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  Not to be outdone by Gallup or Rasmussen, Dufus News offers it's own special versions of public opinion polls. We feel we have our fingers on the true pulse of America by amassing more in-depth data and utilizing statistical formulae that are far more confusing and esoteric than those second-raters. We appreciate your participation and hope you find our poll results to be the most ridiculous ones you've ever encountered.
  Thank you.

       
How should Arizona respond to California's boycott?
 Provide all illegals free one-way bus rides to San Diego.
 Ignore them like the rest of the country does.
 Build electric fence on their southwestern border.
 Hire Navajo medicine man to pray for earthquakes in San Adreas fault.
 Start a rumor that San Francisco is banning heterosexuality.
 Pass another law offering bounty on California tourists.

Do you believe BP will cover all the costs of the oil spill?
 Yes, but I also believed in Toyotas.
 No. Dolphins should file a class action suit immediately.
 Yes. Right after gasoline hits $18 a gallon.
 I hope not. I own 1000 shares of BP stock. Spill, baby, spill!
 All but the oily oysters. We're selling them to the Chinese..they'll eat anything.
 I believe BP will blame it on global warming and get away clean.

Best thing to do if stranded in Meridian, Idaho for the week-end:
 Give yourself a quick labotomy and blend in.
 If a bus pulls up and offers you food if you get in, decline.
 When you hear Rock of Ages playing, hide behind the nearest bush.
 If you own a hair shirt, put it own fast..if not, pick one up at the local Walmart.
 If a lady asks, "are you ready for the Rapture?" do NOT ask her, "how much for all night?"
 Ask a cab driver to return you to the planet Earth.
 If you can find a bar, order a glass of water and demand they change it into Mogan David.
 Round up all the stray kids you can find, then start shouting, "fair's fair!"

Suggestions For Improving Airport Security.
 Employ specially trained crotch-sniffing dogs.
 If the Nigerian next to you in line has smoke pouring out of his jeans, alert security.
 If the "system works" for Janet Napolitano, be sure to fly with her.
 Sit as close to the "black box" as possible.
 Make everyone fly naked.
 Screw it and take the bus.
 Avoid any airline that refuses to sell you flight insurance.
 Suspend the license of all pilots nicknamed "Crash" or "Psycho".

Why should you read Sarah Palin's book?
 I truly hate myself and it's good enough for me.
 I love the pop-ups and having a good laugh.
 It's better than Thorazine for putting me to sleep.
 I'm a blithering idiot and can really relate to her.
 I'm studying illiteracy in America and want to keep up.
 My wife loves her and threatened to cut me off.
 For the same reason I love root canals, burning myself with cigarettes and watching Gilligan's Island reruns.
 Because I currently have enough toilet paper and door stops.

Where do you stand on the issue of Global Warming?
 Should make for an interesting week-end.
 Ask me again after the Yellowstone erruption.
 I'm too concerned about Swine Flu to give a sh**.
 I'm wearing a plastic bag over my head to limit my CO2 emissions.
 I'm investing heavily in polar bear futures.
 It's a warning from God to chill out.
 Al Gore is a major tool.

Should we legalize marijuana?
 Ask me later. I'm too trashed to respond.
 Only in Washington DC. Those up-tight a**holes need all the help they can get.
 No way, man....would run me out of business.
 Yes, as long as it doesn't include those damn Mongolians.
 No...it's an evil nasty drug that makes my tequilla taste lousy.
 Whoa...look at those colors.
 Sure. Anybody up for chili burgers and nachos?
 
 
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