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To say that news is weird seems redundant. Anyone who pays any attention to world events knows that reality is weird enough; that CNN's version of that reality is far weirder still and that Dufus News's version is completely, hands-down off the f**king scale! This is a reputation we hold in the highest esteem and pledge to provide you with the weirdest version of any breaking story, unfettered by actual verified facts and without the bothersome process of vetting our sources. So there.
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Eggs For Peace Project?
Touched by the recent disasters in Pakistan and the current cultural and religious tensions, two large US food producers announced their plan to make a substantial donation. Austin "Jack" DeCoster and Orland Bethel, execs for Wright County Egg and Hillandale Farm respectively are donating over 500,000,000 eggs to the International Islamic Relief Organization. "It's the least we could do," stated Mr. DeCoster, "we can't just stand by while so many are in need. I understand these eggs are considered inedible here in the United States, but - as I understand it - Muslims view salmonella as a highly coveted blessing from Allah and will be extremely grateful to receive them. Well, that's what I heard."
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8-22-10 Tribute To The Arts
Minority art makes colorful statement in Oval Office. "I've always felt that minority artists have been underrepresented in the nation's First House," stated President Obama. "It's time we acknowledge the African-American and Latino contribution to the world of art and represent them equally. The one with the skull is really cool, huh.?"
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6-10-10 Blessed Intimidation
The owners of The Empire State Building finally caved to pressure from prominent Catholics to use their edifice to celebrate Mother Teresa's 100th birthday. Although many of Teresa's admirers feel the banner leaves something to be desired, the majority see it as a victory for religious intimidation everywhere. Blessed be the dogmatic.
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5/21/10 Ronald Refuses To Retire.
Responding to a big push by RetireRonald.Org, McDonald's CEO, Jim Skinner not only refused to cave in and dump the fifty-year-old clown icon, but announced his new "Funky McChub" ad campaign. "I'm sick of all these anorexic, obsessive-compulsive, diaper-sniffing weenies blaming us for making their kids fat," stated Mr. Skinner. "I mean if these PC pu**ies want wimpy skinny kids, tell them to load them up on tofu and seaweed and stay the hell away from McDonalds...who needs 'em!"
According to McDonald's new marketing campaign, Funky McChub is Ronald's alter ego, a more assertive, aggressive guy who's openly proud to be porky. The campaign will offer kids prizes for eating the most Big Macs and fries. Prizes will include free Happy Meals, free rides on the McFatass Forkliftmobile and lots of giant "Lil' Fat bastard balloons.
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5-20-10 Arizona's New Tourist Attraction: The Grand Trashland
"It really takes your breath away," stated one wide-eyed vacationer, describing her first visit to The Grand Trashland south of Bisbee, "you just have to see it to fully grasp it's magnitude.....wow!"
For years, concerned Arizona citizens and government officials have been struggling to come up with a viable solution for the massive accumulation of litter along the Mexican border; endless heaps of garbage deposited by illegal immigrants sneaking into the US. It seemed a hopeless problem, beyond the scope of the State's limited resources. Frustration lead to desperation lead to helplessness, disgust and apathy. And all the while, the mess just kept growing and growing. Finally, a group of local entrepreneurs came up with the idea of turning it into a tourist attraction. "We've got the grandest canyon in our State, why not the grandest heap of crap?," they argued. "Let's stop fighting it and just go with it, embrace it. It's really only a small marketing problem...put the right spin on this thing and who knows...?"
To get to the Grand Trashland, simply take highway 90 south out of Bisbee and follow the flies.
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4-23-10 Find The Mohammed.
"You just don't know where he's gonna turn up," stated Vegas show promoter, Biff Glitterman. "First it's South Park in a bear suit and now....whoa! I can't say for sure about all of them, but I know for a fact that atleast three of these people are definitely NOT The Prophet Mohammed...I think."
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4-22-10 Bad Rap For Bear Men.
With the recent controversy over South Park's portrayal of the prophet Mohammed in a bear suit, innocent bear suit wearers everywhere are feeling the heat from Muslims and non-Muslims alike. "I can't even go to the grocery without some kid pointing and laughing at me, wanting to know if I'm "'that Momed guy from South Park,'" complained one bear man from Idaho. "And the ragheads are shaking their fists at me, yelling that yabadabba jibberish...even had one gal in a burka throwing rocks. Nobody seems to understand that not every guy who wears bear is Mohammed."
 "Please, yawl...get it right...we are NOT all Muhammads."
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4-16-10 El Grando Bootyo
Michelle Obama makes an official visit to Mexico, spending much of her time with Mexican youth. Shown here joking around with a crowd of Juarez children, she demonstrates for a boy in the audience who wanted to know just how big the First Lady's butt really is.
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4-10-10 If You Don't Like It, "Look Away, Look Away..."
Virginia governor, Bob McDonnell apologozes for minimizing slavery in is recent proclamation of "Confederate History Month." "Okay, okay...I admit that slavery may have played a roll here and I'm sorry for not emphasizing it more." In an attempt to make amends for his monumental insensitivity, Governor McDonnell announced that his office would be giving "these spiffy Confederate History Month lapel pins" free to all who wants one.
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3-31-10 Busted In Bangor
Evidently, the State of Maine takes tax evasion very seriously. Authorities in Bangor arrested Ronald McDonald for failer to pay his state "clown tax." "We have to set an example," stated a police spokesman. "Nobody's above the law here in Maine. If we let one perp get away with it, pretty soon we'd be up to our a**es in HoHo's, Bozo's and Lord knows what. Let this be a warning to all...pay up or take your big red noses and floppy shoes somewhere else."
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3-2-10 Postal Potter
Postmaster General, Jack Potter annouced plans to eliminate Saturday post office services. "Look at it this way," he stated, "it will be one less day a week some over-paid schmuck like me can f**k up one of your letters or packages. You should be grateful." When asked to explain how he could continue to justify his $850,000 annual salary in face of such drastic budget cuts, he defended with, "now, you know that every bulls**t federal agency is required to maintain a bloated, pompus, self-serving a**hole as a figurehead...it's the American way. I'm just doing my part to uphold a beloved tradition of this great nation." |
2010's Nobody of the Year
Time Magazine has their "Person of the year"; the United Press has their "Athlete of the Decade"; CNN has their "Hero of the Year" and the Norwegians are handing out Nobel Prizes to anyone with an inflated ego who can show up sober in Oslo.
We like to do things a bit different here at Dufus News. Therefore, instead of glorifying the dubious accomplishments of people deemed "exceptional" by the "legitimate" media, we think it's high time someone recognized the lesser accomplishments of the average, random, come-as-you-are working slob.
This year's winner is Edgar "June Bug" Whizendip of Flyspeck, Arkansas. For inconspicuous underachievement in the field of nothing whatsoever, we salute you as Dufus News's Nobody of the Year!
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